The first year is brutal. There’s really no way to sugar coat it. For those who have lost before you, I guarantee this will be the first piece of advice they give you. The entire first year, I was persistently in survival mode. The anticipation before every holiday, every birthday, and every event was all consuming. I was never in the moment. Once the holiday or event passed, I found myself grievously depressed. It was as if my body finally released all of the anxiousness and fear. I was left mentally and physically exhausted. Thanksgiving stands out the most in my mind. We were going away to the mountains with my in-laws. Even though I was excited to be physically removed, I couldn’t accept that this was our first big holiday without Britt.
Thanksgiving passed without any major setbacks. Much to my surprise, it was quite peaceful. Then Monday comes and my grief, like it always does, comes like a title wave. I couldn’t pull myself together. I couldn’t stop crying. I could barely move. Grief can be paralyzing when you choose to fight your grief rather than walk with your grief. One of the many hard lessons I have learned. What I know for certain: God will release us from the bondage that sorrow brings. He allows us joy that extends beyond the surface. And no matter where you are in your grief journey, know that there will always be beauty from ashes.